9 Solutions to Successful Parenting
Parenting, in today’s times, is probably one of the most difficult and complex tasks. The moment you think you have got a hang of it and are in charge, something happens, and you are flummoxed what to do. In office, bring on the most complex of situations and decisions and see them fly off the table. On the other hand, you have your child throwing a tantrum in a mall or in front of friends and family; you fail to do anything worthwhile to rectify the situation. Recently, during the PTM (parent teacher meeting) the teachers asked us to share parenting tips with other parents (Our children are just a year apart and hence most of the times they both have had same teachers teaching them. Now in 12th and 11th the children have been in the school since Nursery). For a moment I was surprised, my kids were the usual teenagers giving us the same pain as any other teenager would do. Why this request? Then I recollected that my neighbors, family, friends and even colleagues had said the same thing. I had always assumed that they were humoring me and smiled back politely. Anyway, then I thought it would be a good idea to write down what we think worked for us. Nothing would be better than to know it may help someone as well. So, here it goes
Successful Parenting Tips
1. Allow your child to make a blunder
Yes I mean it. Allow
your child to make a big mistake when she is very young. Let it not be a
mistake which will bring physical or long term harm. Probably something
reversible yet, conspicuous enough to be noticed by others, especially your
child’s friends. Warn her appropriately so that she does not believe that you
led on deliberately. Let her be told by her friends what a big mistake it was.
Let me share an example, by the time my daughter turned 7 she has long lustrous
hair, which was an effort to maintain for me, but I did it because my husband
loved them on her. Looking at the different short cut hair styles her friends
had, my daughter too wanted them cut short. She had been requesting me for
almost a year and I had always been telling her that they were beautiful and a
rare possession and also reminding her that daddy likes it this way. Still she
kept asking for her hair to be cut. Finally, I got it done the way she wanted.
My husband was appropriately furious and didn’t speak to me for almost 2 days
while my daughter was absorbing all this. In the meantime, next day at school,
almost all her teachers and friends were shocked and asked her why she cut her
beautiful hair. She did not receive a single complement (as she had expected)
rather the opposite reaction. After two days she came back to me and said she
was sorry that she didn’t listen to me and that her parents was right in not
letting her cut her hair. She promised that she would always follow our
suggestions. This one instance was not only etched in her memory but also an
example for her brother. From then on whether it was a sleepover, collective
study, certain dresses, party or visit to the mall with friend without
supervision, I would say that this is our opinion and you can decide whatever you
feel like, the only thing is that you are responsible for your actions and the
resultant consequences. Not even on a single occasion (which mattered) she has
done anything other than as per our suggestion.
2.
Teach
your children
Primary years are the
most crucial to a child’s mental development. These are the formative years
when the mental faculties are being developed; the years when the basic value
system is being imbibed. There are explicit and subtle messages which a parent
transmits sometimes consciously and most of the time unconsciously. While
teaching the regular school curriculum, it gives you the opportunity to spend
quality time as well share your thought and feelings. Through this process you
can inculcate work style and methodology for targeted results. Interestingly
the schools are playing a very supportive role here by assigning projects way
beyond child’s capability. You are bound to help out. There is a strong urge to
outsource such projects in order to avoid the hassle or even to submit
professional quality work so that the teacher would praise the child. It is
worthwhile the effort in terms of the collective learning and fun that comes
from such exercises. Let the child do most of the simple stuff and the
difficult or the complex part can be finished by you, however all this while
you should be together. In case it is difficult to spare time during the week,
do it on the weekends instead of outings/window shopping. I was so focused and
particular about it that one day I reached home earlier than usual. Upon seeing
me my son’s reaction was not of being delighted as I had expected rather, “Now
you will teach us”.
3.
Learn
to let go
As hand holding and
togetherness is important in primary wing, it becomes equally important or if I
may say so, more important to start letting go in the secondary wing. It is
more difficult now than the previous stage because you would have become
habituated to being part of your child’s life and decisions. However, conscious
and systematic withdrawal and allowing your child to be independent is critical
at this stage for the next thrust. For example, I used to prepare and correct
work sheets and tests for the kids. As a first step, in fifth grade, I stopped
checking and told them to check on their own. We mentally prepared for a dip in
academic performance and it did happen. As together we were mentally prepared,
it was not given a second thought. In
sixth, the kids made their own work sheet and I would check. Their performance
also was back to normal. Finally, by seventh they would make their own
worksheets and check on their own. I was involved to the extent of clarifying
doubts if any. Slowly, they were
completely independent doing all projects, assignments, preparing for tests and
examinations. The sense of achievement and appreciation from teachers and
friends acted as food for fire. By now they were scheduling their own study
time. In eight, we stopped going to parent teacher meetings (went once in a
while when it was mandatory, or rather kids would say that this time you should
go). The message to children; be responsible for your own actions. For any
outstanding performance either way, the teachers would call us, if need be. Off
course, the occasion never arose.
4.
Never
try to compensate lack of time
Today, life is so much
more complex than it used to be. The more gadgets we have the more we are
pressed for time. We are multitasking more than ever before, yet we seem to
have less and less time on hand. The need and desire for everything to be
perfect around us is becoming stronger. Even if it is not perfect the pressure
is to create the perception around that things are perfect. Hence, in this
endeavor time management takes a backseat. Working women or otherwise we seem
to compensate lack of time spent, with children, by gifts, treats etc. The kid’s
wardrobes are full of games, toys and other technologically advanced
recreational tools. Their hearts and minds are deprived of you. In fact over
time you start becoming the intrusion because by then, they have created their
world where there is little space for you. The children also start equating
love to money spent on them because this is what we have taught them.
5.
Say
No and mean it
Refusing unfair
requests and demands of your children is difficult especially when they are
being insistent; emotionally challenging you that their friends get a better
deal from their parents. Being firm and accepting that we are the way we are
requires determination. For example, my son wanted Xbox/Innuendo. We believed
that he was already showing a minor aggressive streak and it would get
aggravated further if he will play aggressive games where you shoot down people
or drive cars rashly. He was very convincing, pleading and did many things
academically and excelled in extracurricular activities too, to please us. It
was probably one of the most difficult parenting decisions to buy a normal
video game with different non aggressive actions, obviously not giving the same
thrill as Xbox/innuendo.
6.
Your
kids are your world
The
kid’s should believe through your actions and the love that you shower through
praise that your whole world is around them. They mean the world to you. You
would love to involve them in all your decisions because their opinion matters.
I had to switch jobs and we took due cognizance of my children’s opinion. Share
your struggles, challenges and triumphs.
7.
Respect
your elders
What
you do, your children follow. Set an example of disobedient and uncaring
children and that is what you can expect too. Give in to your parents,
sometimes unreasonable demands. Your children are watching all the time and
will emulate your behavior.
8.
Keep
reiterating your
values
It
would appear that neither are your kids listening nor do they care to listen to
any amount of advice or caution that you talk about. Whatever you say seems to
fall on deaf ears. Don’t worry; the kids will take all the right decisions at
the right time. They will refuse all unsavory habits and/or behavior. Your
grooming will ensure that they are reminded of the consequences at the right
time. The values that you inculcate will come to the fore at just the right
time.
9.
Build
life skills
Get
kids to do small odd jobs first. Then get them to help you in daily chores. This
need not be a regular activity, just enough times that they acquire the skills
to be able to handle independently if the need arose. Treat both the genders
equally in imparting life skills whether it is cooking, making bed, running the
washing machine, drying the clothes, and receiving, greeting and caring for
guests, being tolerant of each other’s failings, focusing on solutions rather
than problems and most importantly Value for money. For example, on my Son’s 15th
Birthday my gift to him was to teach him to bake Chocolate Walnut Cake. He was
delighted, he took it to school for classmates and teachers. He got many
compliments from all especially because he had made it himself. His teachers
asked for the recipe. He was on cloud nine. He immediately documented it and
shared with all. He made me feel that I couldn’t have given him a better gift.
This
has been the culmination of a stage of parenting where children have
transitioned from infants to adolescents. Next stages would be the adulthood,
marriage and their parenthood. Each
stage will require us to evolve and adapt ourselves to the changed scenario. At
the crux would always be our love for our children and the determination to only
guide while giving them space to take their own decisions with the
responsibility for the same.
Parenting Tips, Positive Parenting, Parenting Advice
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWow !! Monica !! Great article !!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all let me appreciate the great family pic. All are looking great.
I think you have summarized the decisions you both have taken on parenting in the last 17 years well.
Both your kids are gems
Wish them all the best in their future endeavors and best wishes to both of you on guiding them further
All the 9 points you have given are valid but there is no formula for parenting. Two children in the same family with same parents and same environment grow up to be different. Every family has a different environment and there could be many more points that we are missing in our lists.
Every stage of life there is a different role to be played as a parent. Overall we need to be a support and help them grow up to lead a successful life. Success has different perceptions for different people.
Some points that could be repetitions or additions are given below :
- Be good guides - allow them to be independent but under our guidance. My husband uses a term "guided democracy" which applies most to the children.
- Keep an eye on what the children are doing and know the people the child is in touch with - teachers, classmates, playmates, maids, peer group. They spend as much time with them as much with us. Maybe more with them due to our long working hours. With our unit families time spent with grandparents and better and experienced guides has become minimal.
- Keep a good relationship with them - be a friend, a teacher, a student, a banker, a jailor - be a soul mate so the child can even share a secret, keep up the communication with them, discuss future plans which affect the whole family with them (specially transfers in our case) - be strict and lenient as per situation. It is a matter of judgement.
- Be a role model for them because they follow what we do - telling lies or ill-treating the domestic help or misbehaving with elders or doing any other wrong practice is picked up first. Love them and they will love you.
- Make them good human beings - be aware of the need of social service, discipline, cleanliness, helping elders and needy
Both our sons are now working and are financially independent. Still there are situations when they need advice and guidance and support. They know that WE are there. They have the same faith in their grandparents and are in touch with both sides of grandparents on different subjects.
WE just hope that we have been able to help them become SUCCESSFUL and EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY and will be able to continue giving them all kinds of support when needed. WE also hope that we don't have to take their support in our old age but we do not know what our future has in store for us. Just hope that we get their support when needed.
Well Said. Thank you for sparing time and sharing your detailed thoughts which i am sure will help all those who may view the blog. Undoubtably Abhinav and Abhishek have grown up to be well rounded personalities especially good human beings; excellent examples to follow. Parenting is exhausting, confusing and exacting at the same time and definitely not a formula. Each to his own experiences, yet, we all can gain from knowing what others have experienced and how they have tackled various pleasant and unpleasant circumstances.
ReplyDeleteAwe-Inspiring article Mam
ReplyDeleteWhat a thrilling post. It is extremely chock-full of useful information. Thanks for such a great info. Chinen salt
ReplyDelete